At the market I typically see three to five people I know and/or have met throughout the years, and, unless they’re a close friend of mine, I absolutely hate it. I mean, on occasion I’ll run into someone I haven’t seen in a while and, I admit, it’s nice. But, most of the time I’m spotted by squares from high school and random douche-bags I’ve worked with at one time or another, and awkward small-talk ensues. It seems minuscule, yes, but I dread it more than the average person. Other than these lame-ass run-ins, my trips to the market are usually uneventful and a kick in the balls to my bank account.
However, folks, today was different. I only saw one person I knew, and the woman, god bless her soul, ducked me so well she practically had me jotting down notes on my grocery list. It was great, and I wasn’t the slightest bit offended by her blatant avoidance of my handsome face. About thirty minutes later, at the check-out, I was hit with the eye-popping total of all my groceries, but, because they were practically all for this Saturday, July 4, I couldn’t have cared any less.
Let’s face it, when the weather is good, 4th of July is the best day of the year, and the more money spent usually means the more excellence will occur. On EL there’s always delicious food, cold drink, horse-socks, soccer matches of the century, and plenty of island savages to be mocked throughout the day. If that isn’t enough to convince you, you’re obviously no friend of mine.
Back to the story. While I’m at the register checking-out, I saw this guy who looked like a fatter, greasier version of Dan Fogler from Balls of Fury (see below), but with shorter hair. To top it off, this middle-aged Caucasian porker walked with a gangsta’ lean and wore a mean face good enough to earn himself a shout-out in the liner notes of Onyx’s next album.
Apparently he was disgusted in the fact that a woman had just told him to watch his punkmotherfukin’ mouth while out in public. So what did he do? He stopped dead in front of me, told his kids to stay put, and went to have some choice words — which I unfortunately didn’t hear — with homegirl. What I did hear, though, was an epic paraphrase of evil boxer Ivan Drago’s (see top left) famous “I must break you” line. That’s right. As this fully grown man was walking away, he yelled over his shoulder back towards this woman, “I’ll break you.”
I couldn’t believe what I heard. Even now, I’m still in awe that people who aren’t roided-out fictional Russians drop lines of epic proportions in such an everyday instance, let alone take themselves serious while saying it.
It was truly the cherry on top of what was already the best food shopping trip of my life. I had to share it. As pathetic as this sounds, hearing the fatter-Fogler shout “I’ll break you” — in a crowded supermarket, in front of his kids, to a woman at least one-third his size — was one of the funniest moments of my life. I wish I had it on tape…like I do with the guy who has the monstrous caterpillar-looking unibrow.
Filed under: What The Poop? | Tagged: Balls of Fury, Dan Fogler, Ivan Drago, Onyx, Rocky IV, Unibrows
WOW. I wish my S&S ventures were half as entertaining!